rekindleme | [open]

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Who: Steve Rogers and you
Where: The park
When: January 2
Summary: Steve does sad drawings and mopes because Bucky is back to his WS self. Then he feels bad for feeling upset.
Warnings: Sad Steve face

It has been 3 days since Bucky came back.

As soon as the de-aging stopped, he disappeared, probably went off to hide and isolate himself from Steve. He wasn't surprised and he still looked for him, but he mostly just left him alone this time. He had his own feelings, thoughts about the whole situation that he's been trying to keep to himself. He was happy to see his old friend- the one that wasn't brainwashed by HYDRA yet, but he knew that this was coming. He thought he could've prepared for it, but everything still just hurt.

But none of this was Bucky's fault, he could never blame him. He still loved him as a friend, cared about what was going on with him. But Steve couldn't deny that he really missed what he used to be. It wasn't fair to him though and he was trying, trying too hard judging by his attempts to be more personal lately. But it felt forced, like he just wanted to make Steve happy and he didn't want that.

So, Steve was just sitting by himself at the park bench, his sketchbook out and filled with drawings of Bucky in his World War II outfit and some in his Winter Soldier uniform. Most of the drawings were just of his head though, his expressions. It was easy to see that they looked so different even though it was technically the same face.

Right now, he was using the watercolor pencils Bucky gave him during Christmas, working on a drawing of Bucky staring at the fishes in the aquarium. Steve still looked a little sad and he could probably use some company, even though he was working on his sketchbook.

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He had been an adult. For a while, Diarmuid had been an adult and it's something that he is still trying to wrap his mind around now that he is a kid again. Did he like it? Had he become who he wanted to be?

These thoughts are all running through his head as he walks through the park. He and Lir are both bundled up, including a pair of matching scarves that were a gift from Professor Oak. Lir can't swim in this cold weather, but Diarmuid still wants to get him outside once and a while. Since he has so much on his mind, this seems like a perfect time for a walk.

He almost walks past Steve because the man is so wrapped up in his sketchbook, but Lir makes a soft sound to draw Diarmuid's attention to his friend. It doesn't take long for Diarmuid to make his way to the bench and he frowns when he gets close enough to see how sad Steve looks.

"What's wrong? Do you need a hug?"

The voice startled Steve out of his thoughts, but he quickly looked down to see Diarmuid standing there with his Pokemon. Oh, it was his young friend. It was good to see him doing well after all this time, especially since he hadn't gotten the chance to talk to him in a while. A lot of things has happened lately, but that's not really an excuse to lose contact with people he cared about.

Still, despite the concern, Steve wasn't really able to talk about his problems that easily.

"I'm okay, just been working on my new drawing." He moved his drawing pad to show Diarmuid, which was the picture of all the different fish in a tank. "Got several new supplies from Bucky. Couldn't let them go to waste." Steve sounded like himself, but he definitely seemed a bit stressed, like he was pushing himself to sound like everything was fine.

Diarmuid might have missed the stressed undercurrent to Steve's words if it had not been for the fact that it reminded him of how Shinju had acted after Yu left the city. He had tried so hard to hide how he was feeling, but in the end it had burst out anyway.

The boy looks at the picture for a moment. It is very nice, but instead of commenting on it, he can't help but look up at Steve and frown, "You don't have to be strong around me. I might be little, but I have a big heart that I can help comfort you with!"

Lord James can't be gone. Diarmuid doesn't think Steve would be talking about him at all if that was the case, so what is going on? Did he and Tony have another fight?

Guess the drawing wasn't a good enough distraction. Steve should probably know better than try that tactic with Diarmuid. The young boy was rather perceptive for his age, and he was someone with a big heart. The latter was a quality that really stood out to him when he first talked with Diarmuid, but he still felt bad about putting his problems on someone else.

"There's just some things that I wasn't ready for. No matter how much we go through or prepare for, situations like that still happen." He felt that it was okay to tell him that much.

It might be for the best. If Diarmuid was too caught up in the drawing, he might ask Steve to show him how and...that would be a disaster. No matter how much this little guy practices, drawing will never be his thing...

Diarmuid crawls up onto the bench next to Steve and leans into him, "That is how life goes. We can try to prepare, but it still surprises us. Especially in a place like this. I got to be an adult for a while! It was neat...but it wasn't what I thought it would be. But...that is what being an adult is, right? You have to deal with the unexpected all the time. Did the event change you? Is that why you are upset?"

Steve relaxed a little when Diarmuid sat on the bench and leaned against him. Sure, he wasn't willing to really talk about his problems too much still, but the support was enough. It was nice, reminded him that he wasn't alone. Steve didn't necessarily need everyone around him to understand what was going on with his situation.

He was still surprised to hear that Diarmuid became an adult though. Guess it made sense, even though Steve was disappointed he didn't get to meet him in that stage of his life. Maybe he could ask him about it though, his curiosity was piqued. "Don't think it's something only adults deal with." After all, it sounded like Diarmuid dealt with a lot of surprises in his life already and he's been able to keep moving on.

"No, didn't hit me this time. Might've been easier if it did, though." Hard to say, really. If he became younger- to his pre-serum self, he wouldn't been able to compare Bucky with the Winter Soldier at the time. Sure, he would get the memory of meeting war Bucky again, but it wouldn't be the same as experiencing it firsthand.

"Maybe not, but I bet adults do deal with it more than kids do!" Before Diarmuid can say more, Lir shifts in his arms so that he can bump his head lightly against Steve's arm. Diarmuid looks down and pats the Pokemon gently on the head with his hand, "I don't think you have met Lir yet, have you? He's a horsea and my partner! He didn't get big when I did, though, which is too bad. I did get to help Freya! She was tiny! And I also went shopping with Yu. We tried to figure out what was going on, but in the end all we could guess was that it was another experimental accident like they always have."

Diarmuid pauses to think about what else he and Yu had talked about, but he is distracted from that when he remembers what else Steve said. He looks up at his friend with a curious expression, "Why do you say that? Did you want to be a kid again? Didn't you say you were really small and sick then? Why would you want to be that way again?"

Steve awkwardly patted Lir on the head once as he listened to Diarmuid talk about the people he met while he was older. Interesting enough, Freya and Yu were both individuals that he had encountered during that strange time. Guess they had more friends in common than he thought.

Another 'experimental accident' seemed likely, but Steve wasn't really feeling too charitable to the scientists at this moment. Maybe some part of him should be grateful, but all he could concentrate on was Bucky and the new tension that was between them.

"Normally wouldn't want to be that way again." He admitted. "Just think it might've made things easier for him." Steve was being slightly vague, but it was probably easy to piece together who he was talking about.

Lir burbles happily at Steve and Diarmuid tilts his head, noticing the awkwardness in Steve's pat, "You don't have to be afraid of him. He's nice! Is he is the first Pokemon you have met?"

If Diarmuid hadn't known how close Steve and Bucky were, he might not realize that is who Steve is talking about, but knowing what he does know, Diarmuid is able to figure things out, "You mean, Lord James? He changed, didn't he?" Worry suddenly fills Diarmuid's face. Depending on if Lord James got older or younger, things could have been very bad for both of them.

"Is he okay? Are you going to be okay?"

"Personally, yes. But not unfamiliar with them." He had heard people use the term before and seen Pokemon on video feeds. They were definitely creatures he hadn't seen before coming to Saeng Seong, but most of them seemed friendly. At Diarmuid's encouragement, Steve started to pat Lir more, smiling a little at the blue seahorse.

Well, Steve was never good at keeping secrets too well. He inwardly sighed at his own obviousness, but decided to let Diarmuid know about Bucky's current state.

"He's fine. In fact, he's been talking more." Whether or not because he was forcing himself to be like his former self was something Steve definitely didn't want to talk about though. "And I'll be fine."

Lir makes a happy trumpeting sound and Diarmuid smiles when Steve seems to relax around the Pokemon, "He is a horsea. That is a type of water Pokemon! Someday he will be a lot bigger and will be able to carry me across the water! That will be so much fun."

"You don't sound fine," Diarmuid smile changes to something closer to a pout. Steve might not be good at keeping secrets, but it also doesn't help that Diarmuid is a lot more observant about certain things than a kid his age normally would be, "Talking more...isn't really better in this case, is it?"

The image of a giant seahorse carrying a small child through the water was definitely an interesting one. Kinda neat, though. Diarmuid would definitely enjoy something like that and Steve hoped that he would get the chance to do it.

Gosh, he really hated disappointing others, disappointing a kid was even worse. But this was one thing that Steve wouldn't be able to give in on. "Just need some time to think, get some distance away. It'll get better." He tried to look a little more encouraging. "Long as we don't give up on each other."

Diarmuid thinks it sounds interesting too. And fun! Mostly fun. He can't wait to do it, but he is also in no hurry to make Lir grow up. When the time comes, the time comes.

"Why would you give up on each other? You're friends!" Diarmuid really isn't disappointed. As usual, he is worried about the people he calls his friends, "Friends never give up on each other even when things are so tough you don't think you can go on. You just have to make sure you are listening when he talks!"

"Wouldn't even think of ignoring him." His voice returned to being more quiet again, although it wasn't as upset as before. He just sounded a little exhausted; if only listening to Bucky would solve all their problems. Things between them just got more complicated, even if he was really happy to see the old Bucky again.

Bucky probably realized it too, knew that Steve was a lot more familiar and comfortable with his former self.

"You should probably meet him again soon. Probably be happy to talk with you."

"There is a difference between ignoring and hearing but not listening!" Diarmuid pouts for a moment, but is easily distracted at the thought of seeing Lord James again.

"I would like that. It has been too long! I can tell him all about me being an adult and things like that! And maybe I can ask him what to do about..." the boy's voice trails off and he looks away from Steve for a moment. Is it right for him to ask someone who has nightmares and bad flashbacks how to deal with the ones he is having? He doesn't want to accidentally upset him...

Diarmuid does have a point there, but Steve will make sure that he won't make that kind of mistake around Bucky.

When the young boy starts looking upset, he easily puts his thoughts of Bucky aside for now, wanting to help him. It's not difficult to do something like that when he wants to help someone. "Did something happen, Diarmuid?" He doesn't quite know what he's trying to get at, so hopefully just asking will make him talk about it.

"Ah..." His eyes dart up at Steve's face for a moment and then he looks back down at his hands which are twisting together around Lir, "Were you there when...when Cyntia was attacked? I saw it and..." He swallows hard and then forces himself to continue, "And something happened. In my head. I was seeing things...but not seeing things. And I keep having nightmares. I don't ever remember them when I wake up, but they scare me. A lot. And they make my heart hurt. I though maybe Lord James might be able to help because of his flashbacks and memory problems..."

He was there when she was attacked, but Steve kept quiet as he listened to Diarmuid. Seeing something like that was probably traumatizing for a kid, so he wouldn't blame him at all for getting nightmares about it. Although, from the way he worded things, it wasn't just nightmares he was having.

"Seeing someone get attacked would be traumatizing for anyone." Steve finally started to reply back to him. "But maybe it triggered something, a memory you wanted to suppress?"

Diarmuid shakes his head, "Not memories I repressed. I think they are the memories my father repressed. It's what happened on the night I am not suppose to remember and it hurts when I think about it. It hurt so much that day..."

Waking up from the nightmares is bad enough. Waking up with a headache on top of it makes things that much worse. The pain has almost made him sick more than once.

So, involuntary repression. Steve doesn't like the sound of it, even if it's supposed to protect Diarmuid. He doesn't really know how to help with that, other than to show his support. It's what he does with Bucky, except even with him he has shared memories that he can always try to help him with.

"Haven't had that happen to me before." Even when his memories of this place are taken away, he still eventually remembers when he returns. It's not the same thing. Steve just gently places a hand on his head, offering him a small smile. "Won't understand how that is, but know I'll support you. Can sit here and lend a friendly ear, maybe talk through this if you wanna do that."

Diarmuid presses his head up into the touch and then gives Steve a sad smile, "It's okay. It's probably different for everyone, and I don't want anyone to hurt even a little like this. I am glad you don't know!"

He pauses for a moment so he can shift Lir, then he presses a hand against his heart, "I always feel like something is missing here. Something or someone, but I don't know who or what it is. I have tried to remember in the past, but it just makes my head hurt. Whatever I lost, the pain of losing it, and how I feel with this empty spot is just makes me want to be a knight even more than before. I don't want anyone else to feel like I am feeling!"

"That's a really noble thing to say." He smiles a little, even though he still looks a bit sad as well.

A wound in his heart? Guess that might be why he experienced a lot of pain when he saw Cyntia get attacked. It seems likely that he lost someone important to him a while back. Erasing his memory doesn't sound like the right thing to do, but getting upset at Diarmuid about it won't help anyone. It's not his fault.

"...Were you a knight when you aged up?"

Diarmuid blinks, a little surprised by the shift in topic, but he doesn't mind. It's hard for him to talk about that too long because he inevitably starts trying to remember and that just leads to a headache. He's tired of those.

"Kind of? I mean, I never went home so I didn't get to finish the things there I would have needed to do to be a knight. I don't know if there is a process for being a knight here, but I did all my training, and I helped others and lived by the ideals that a knight should live by. That counts, right?"

Oh right, they didn't actually experience a future where they went home. It must've slipped his mind. But Steve went along with the conversation, glad to hear that he didn't really lose his good heart when he grew up. Besides, he doesn't really want to go into Bucky too much, not when he's still a bit sore about the whole topic.

"That's what matters the most, if you ask me."

In this case, Diarmuid didn't anyway. He just thought he had grown up in the city, "I think so! I felt like a knight anyway."

"Hey, do you think it is really possible for us to stay so long that someone my age would actually grow up here? It would be a really long time. Like 20 years!"

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