rekindleme | [open]

Who: Steve Rogers and you
Where: The park
When: January 2
Summary: Steve does sad drawings and mopes because Bucky is back to his WS self. Then he feels bad for feeling upset.
Warnings: Sad Steve face

It has been 3 days since Bucky came back.

As soon as the de-aging stopped, he disappeared, probably went off to hide and isolate himself from Steve. He wasn't surprised and he still looked for him, but he mostly just left him alone this time. He had his own feelings, thoughts about the whole situation that he's been trying to keep to himself. He was happy to see his old friend- the one that wasn't brainwashed by HYDRA yet, but he knew that this was coming. He thought he could've prepared for it, but everything still just hurt.

But none of this was Bucky's fault, he could never blame him. He still loved him as a friend, cared about what was going on with him. But Steve couldn't deny that he really missed what he used to be. It wasn't fair to him though and he was trying, trying too hard judging by his attempts to be more personal lately. But it felt forced, like he just wanted to make Steve happy and he didn't want that.

So, Steve was just sitting by himself at the park bench, his sketchbook out and filled with drawings of Bucky in his World War II outfit and some in his Winter Soldier uniform. Most of the drawings were just of his head though, his expressions. It was easy to see that they looked so different even though it was technically the same face.

Right now, he was using the watercolor pencils Bucky gave him during Christmas, working on a drawing of Bucky staring at the fishes in the aquarium. Steve still looked a little sad and he could probably use some company, even though he was working on his sketchbook.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"Ah..." His eyes dart up at Steve's face for a moment and then he looks back down at his hands which are twisting together around Lir, "Were you there when...when Cyntia was attacked? I saw it and..." He swallows hard and then forces himself to continue, "And something happened. In my head. I was seeing things...but not seeing things. And I keep having nightmares. I don't ever remember them when I wake up, but they scare me. A lot. And they make my heart hurt. I though maybe Lord James might be able to help because of his flashbacks and memory problems..."

He was there when she was attacked, but Steve kept quiet as he listened to Diarmuid. Seeing something like that was probably traumatizing for a kid, so he wouldn't blame him at all for getting nightmares about it. Although, from the way he worded things, it wasn't just nightmares he was having.

"Seeing someone get attacked would be traumatizing for anyone." Steve finally started to reply back to him. "But maybe it triggered something, a memory you wanted to suppress?"

Diarmuid shakes his head, "Not memories I repressed. I think they are the memories my father repressed. It's what happened on the night I am not suppose to remember and it hurts when I think about it. It hurt so much that day..."

Waking up from the nightmares is bad enough. Waking up with a headache on top of it makes things that much worse. The pain has almost made him sick more than once.

So, involuntary repression. Steve doesn't like the sound of it, even if it's supposed to protect Diarmuid. He doesn't really know how to help with that, other than to show his support. It's what he does with Bucky, except even with him he has shared memories that he can always try to help him with.

"Haven't had that happen to me before." Even when his memories of this place are taken away, he still eventually remembers when he returns. It's not the same thing. Steve just gently places a hand on his head, offering him a small smile. "Won't understand how that is, but know I'll support you. Can sit here and lend a friendly ear, maybe talk through this if you wanna do that."

Diarmuid presses his head up into the touch and then gives Steve a sad smile, "It's okay. It's probably different for everyone, and I don't want anyone to hurt even a little like this. I am glad you don't know!"

He pauses for a moment so he can shift Lir, then he presses a hand against his heart, "I always feel like something is missing here. Something or someone, but I don't know who or what it is. I have tried to remember in the past, but it just makes my head hurt. Whatever I lost, the pain of losing it, and how I feel with this empty spot is just makes me want to be a knight even more than before. I don't want anyone else to feel like I am feeling!"

"That's a really noble thing to say." He smiles a little, even though he still looks a bit sad as well.

A wound in his heart? Guess that might be why he experienced a lot of pain when he saw Cyntia get attacked. It seems likely that he lost someone important to him a while back. Erasing his memory doesn't sound like the right thing to do, but getting upset at Diarmuid about it won't help anyone. It's not his fault.

"...Were you a knight when you aged up?"

Diarmuid blinks, a little surprised by the shift in topic, but he doesn't mind. It's hard for him to talk about that too long because he inevitably starts trying to remember and that just leads to a headache. He's tired of those.

"Kind of? I mean, I never went home so I didn't get to finish the things there I would have needed to do to be a knight. I don't know if there is a process for being a knight here, but I did all my training, and I helped others and lived by the ideals that a knight should live by. That counts, right?"

Oh right, they didn't actually experience a future where they went home. It must've slipped his mind. But Steve went along with the conversation, glad to hear that he didn't really lose his good heart when he grew up. Besides, he doesn't really want to go into Bucky too much, not when he's still a bit sore about the whole topic.

"That's what matters the most, if you ask me."

In this case, Diarmuid didn't anyway. He just thought he had grown up in the city, "I think so! I felt like a knight anyway."

"Hey, do you think it is really possible for us to stay so long that someone my age would actually grow up here? It would be a really long time. Like 20 years!"

20 years was a really long time and honestly, Steve didn't think they were going to stay here for that long. He hoped not, at any rate.

"It's possible." Steve admitted slowly, despite the doubts he was having. "Wouldn't put too much money on it though." It felt like most people were gone in less than a year, only a very few remained for over a year.

"I've already been here..." he looks down at his hands and counts on his fingers the best he can without letting Lir fall. "10 and... I think a little over 10 and 6 months! That's a long time. A cycle and a half! I suppose if anyone was going to stay a long time it would be me..."

Diarmuid isn't sure if he is happen or sad about that...

"That was because of the time flux, right? Think that there's a good chance that you'll return home before you permanent age that much here."

He didn't really have anything real to base that assumption, but they were getting a little closer to figuring out what was going on here. The districts were slowly being restored as well, so that was good. They just needed to keep working on that goal.

"Flux? You mean when our ages changed?" Diarmuid isn't familiar with that word, so he asks to make sure he is understanding the question, "Yes, when I got old it was because of that. I suppose we really can't stay here that long. Either we keep making progress or things get really bad again and maybe everyone..."

Yeah, he doesn't want to think about everyone dying because of the miasma...

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