rekindleme | (no subject)

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(no subject)

Who: Shinju Gouka and his friends (Pilouette, Steve, Yu)
Where: District 5, 4, and his apartment
When: 24th to the 28th
Summary: Memory switch time!
Warnings: Memories of physical abuse, death, mentions of suicide attempt, yadda yadda

Shinju had given up trying to be cheerful 24/7, if he was completely honest. Of course he was still mostly smiles and humor with his friends, but trying to keep himself from thinking about returning home and the things Saeng Seong can do was a futile endeavor, and he was well aware of it. It was starting to become clear to him that he couldn't go back to the normal life he wanted and that he may be forced to move forward soon. He was starting to think that maybe he should prepare himself for it.

(Un)fortunately, it seemed the city had decided to help him out by making him face some of his worst memories by exposing them to others.

[Pilouette: District 5]

Shinju hoped that the myriad of things there was to do in the entertainment district would be enough to distract him, so he was out on the boardwalk getting snacks for himself and Pilouette for whenever she arrived. He let out a sigh as he stepped away from the stand, and soon he found himself staring at the river and getting lost in thought.

[Steve: District 4]

When he wasn't trying to distract himself, Shinju figured that the best place to mope around with no one seeing him was the spacious and peaceful park district. Though he'd brought a sandwich, it lay untouched as he sat on the edge of the pond, arms resting on his knees as he kicked a pebble in and watched the water ripple.

[Yu: Their apartment, 28th]

At this point Shinju had become well aware of what was going on and he was not happy. Some of his closest friends were exposed to some of his worst memories. Having that happen, being reminded of those things, as well as experiencing terrible things from his friends' pasts was too much. So instead of going to work or doing anything that day, he holed up in his room. Maybe if he just stayed in bed nothing else would happen.

He already dreamed of a little sister dying and barely stopping himself from throwing her sort-of murderer to certain death. He'd recognized the faces of Kanji and Naoto in the memory and just hoped to god that Yu hadn't seen anything awful.

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"No."

Shinju didn't hesitate to answer. He knew it was pointless to lie, so why bother? Everything seemed pointless; he couldn't even get some time alone. At least he could continue to lie there and not move, despite hearing the request in Yu's voice.

"Are you."

"Depends on what you can define as 'alright'."

While Shinju may have wanted some alone time, Yu was the opposite. That familiar sinking feeling when he faced Adachi...fought against Izanami...he was trying to fight back against it. To be honest, he felt like curling up against something, concerned about the memory and who exactly that man was. Instead, he spoke again.

"Did you ever see something...like it didn't belong to you?"

"Few times this week, yeah," he mumbled, dread evident in his voice. He pulled the covers a little closer around him, fearing the worst. At this point, it was less about what Yu might have seen, and more that he'd have to be reminded of it. He had a lot of things he'd tried very hard in the past year to forget.

The only problem with trying to forget the horrible memories was that they always find a way to come back. And sometimes they come at full force. God knows the other young man had his share of horrible past times but somehow he made it through. After all, Shinju wouldn't have made it here if he couldn't live through the one Yu did see.

"The same for me." he quietly admitted. "Some were things I did know but others...they made me wonder. Mainly about the people within them..."

"There's a lot you don't know about me," Shinju admitted gloomily, sinking his head into his pillow and having no patience for vague allusions to whatever memory he'd gotten. "I was trying to keep it that way."

He knew Yu had had his fair amount of struggles, especially if what he'd experienced was any indication. But that was part of the reason he was trying to keep his own past from the silver-haired young man; he didn't want to burden him with his own problems as well. He didn't know how Yu would react to them.

"Why? Are you worried about what would happen if I did hear about your past?"

Sometimes there was time for being cautious and times to be a bit more blunt: Yu was walking the fine line between them.

"I'm here. I'll listen."

"I don't even know anymore," he replied, sounding defeated. "I guess it's pointless now. It always comes back. I already know you saw something."

No matter what he did, there was nothing he could do to erase what happened or make himself forget, which meant that it was bound to come out at some point and worry his friends. He wondered if he should even care anymore. It would be a lot easier than hurting every time something made him recall what happened in that six month period.

"And you saw something of mine."

It was a fair exchange, a memory for a memory but it didn't mean it wasn't going to be painful. They could dance around this for a long time but it wouldn't help them in the slightest. Or maybe he needed to find a way for Shinju to show his face so they can actually talk.

"Who's the man with the yellow eyes?"

Shinju froze up, his jaw clamping shut as he dug his fingers into the covers. He didn't want to talk about him. He didn't want to think about him or acknowledge that he existed, and he didn't want to remember anything about the hell he'd put him through. But now Yu had undoubtedly seen something about how the man had treated him, and he had to do all of those things.

It took him several moments to rediscover how to work his mouth.

"Zekarion," he almost wheezed out, the strain obvious. "H-he..."

He couldn't continue. He began to tremble despite himself, despite the misery beginning to turn to a dull bitterness earlier. Just the mention of him was enough to send that sharp fear back into him.

So the devil had a name. It was a start but it just made Shinju freeze up even more and it was like Yu had opened up a can of worms and unaware of the path he had started to walk down. But did that stop him? Hell no. Instead, he placed a hand on his shoulder, moving a bit closer because he was there and he wasn't going to go anywhere.

"Shinju, it's just us. I won't judge."

He shook his head into his pillow, eyes squeezed shut. Any judging didn't matter at this point; it was remembering and having to put an explanation into words that was painful.

After taking a few shaky breaths, he finally managed to speak.

"He killed my parents," he said, voice coming to the edge of breaking. "Then he tricked me and made me fight people I should have trusted."

It's one thing to be betrayed but to hurt those you came to care about, Yu didn't know what to say. He was suddenly reminded of Adachi except he was the one who decided to kill because he wanted to, not because he was forced. No words could make his friend feel any better and Yu doubted that a gesture would too but he had to try something.

Another hand was placed on the other boy as Yu gently pulled Shinju into a sitting position but moved him further so the Fool could give him a proper hug. It was something at least.

At this point Shinju didn't bother resisting, and he only leaned heavily against the other young man when he was pulled close, putting his own arms tight around him. He let his head fall onto Yu's shoulder, but he refused to cry. He simply continued to shake.

"I just wanted to forget," he admitted in a whisper.

Wanting to run away from such hardships, some would say it was cowardly. Depending on the situation, it may not be.

"We want to keep all the good memories and forget the bad, it's normal to feel that way."

Try to console, don't preach.

"I thought being here would be enough for that," he said, swallowing back the tears that were trying to come. "That I could pretend everything was fine."

It had been going so well. He'd made friends and become close with them, had gotten a job and lived what felt like a normal life. But the more time that passed, the more of his friends left, and the more he was reminded that eventually, he'd have to return as well. He'd have to return to a world where he felt he had no future.

This was getting rather close to home as Yu remembered the same thing before having to face the truth.

"I felt the same way once. Thought staying in a continuous loop with everything seemingly alright would work out better for me but then I learned that what I was doing was hurting myself more. Pretending that everything is perfect would work only for a little bit. Then it would get at you and make you question. Even if it's horrible, seeing the truth is something I would personally prefer. And I hope you can see it someday."

Shinju only shook his head against his roommate's shoulder. He couldn't bear to look at the truth like some shining beacon, not when it was what it was.

"The truth is that I have nothing there," he replied in a quiet voice, "and that when I have to leave, I'm going to lose everything again."

His grip on Yu tightened slightly, as if he was afraid it was going to happen at any second.

Yu can tell you first hand that the truth is far from a shining beacon. It's scary but he rather have the truth than walk in the fog of lies again.

"You won't lose everything, it'll still be with you no matter what. I know it sounds like something from a manga but it's real for me."

"It's easy to say that," he said, taking in a shaky breath.

He couldn't believe that everyone he'd lost and would lose would be with him when he returned. He was having a hard enough time when he still had some of them. And even if they were... he didn't know what good it would do them. Memories could only do so much.

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