rekindleme | (no subject)

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(no subject)

Who: Shinju Gouka and his friends (Pilouette, Steve, Yu)
Where: District 5, 4, and his apartment
When: 24th to the 28th
Summary: Memory switch time!
Warnings: Memories of physical abuse, death, mentions of suicide attempt, yadda yadda

Shinju had given up trying to be cheerful 24/7, if he was completely honest. Of course he was still mostly smiles and humor with his friends, but trying to keep himself from thinking about returning home and the things Saeng Seong can do was a futile endeavor, and he was well aware of it. It was starting to become clear to him that he couldn't go back to the normal life he wanted and that he may be forced to move forward soon. He was starting to think that maybe he should prepare himself for it.

(Un)fortunately, it seemed the city had decided to help him out by making him face some of his worst memories by exposing them to others.

[Pilouette: District 5]

Shinju hoped that the myriad of things there was to do in the entertainment district would be enough to distract him, so he was out on the boardwalk getting snacks for himself and Pilouette for whenever she arrived. He let out a sigh as he stepped away from the stand, and soon he found himself staring at the river and getting lost in thought.

[Steve: District 4]

When he wasn't trying to distract himself, Shinju figured that the best place to mope around with no one seeing him was the spacious and peaceful park district. Though he'd brought a sandwich, it lay untouched as he sat on the edge of the pond, arms resting on his knees as he kicked a pebble in and watched the water ripple.

[Yu: Their apartment, 28th]

At this point Shinju had become well aware of what was going on and he was not happy. Some of his closest friends were exposed to some of his worst memories. Having that happen, being reminded of those things, as well as experiencing terrible things from his friends' pasts was too much. So instead of going to work or doing anything that day, he holed up in his room. Maybe if he just stayed in bed nothing else would happen.

He already dreamed of a little sister dying and barely stopping himself from throwing her sort-of murderer to certain death. He'd recognized the faces of Kanji and Naoto in the memory and just hoped to god that Yu hadn't seen anything awful.

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Shinju finally turned to peek at Steve when he couldn't hear any response, though he had an idea of what the reaction might be. He let out a heavy sigh when he finally laid eyes on his face, knowing the pain Steve must have been feeling. He'd felt it first-hand, after all.

"It's not your fault, you know. I know saying that won't change how you feel, but you did everything you could."

Peggy said something similar and although he knew that both of them just wanted to comfort him, Steve just couldn't believe it. He was at fault for what happened. Maybe if he planned the mission better or was just faster, this wouldn't have happened. Bucky could have lived a full life but instead, Steve failed him when he was needed.

"You saw what happened. I could've done more." He sounded bitter. Even though he was slowly accepting Bucky's death, it wouldn't erase the guilt he felt over it. The most he could do now was make sure that he would do his best to continue protecting people and helping out. It was what Bucky would have wanted him to do, so he wasn't going to sit in a corner and cry all day.

Shinju leaned back, hands on the grass behind him to support himself. He was fairly certain someone else might have said something similar to him whenever that mission was over, but he had seen and felt it. It was different.

"It's because I saw what happened that I know you couldn't. I felt what you felt. He was your best friend, and you did everything in your power to get him back safe."

The young man looked away briefly, eyes on the water as he prepared for Steve's reaction to what he wanted to say next. He knew it would be harsh, but he didn't have the energy to come up with something less so.

"But it wasn't enough, and that isn't your fault. I know how that is, and how easy it is to blame yourself. But he wouldn't want you to, would he?"

Shinju was right, his best wasn't enough to save Bucky. The thought stung, even though it was true. Steve just had to accept that and make sure that was stronger so that something like that wouldn't happen again. That he wouldn't fail another friend. He wasn't going to accept that it wasn't his fault, but he knew he had to move on as well.

But did Shinju really understand how it felt? Although judging by the memory he got, his friend had a darker past than he originally thought.

"He wouldn't." Steve said quietly, thinking about Bucky and how much he always supported him over the years. "He'd want me to continue fighting."

"I think he'd want you to not be miserable, first," Shinju replied, shifting so he was facing Steve from where he sat. "I know I don't know you as well as I used to, and that you've been through a lot now, but... you don't have to keep fighting all the time."

It never seemed to fail that others' distress made him forget about his own. He cared far more about making sure people found some kind of happiness (or at least relief) than thinking of himself.

Bucky wouldn't want him to be miserable, he knew that. He was always looking out for him, making sure that Steve wasn't lonely or suffering alone when something bad happened. From supporting him when his mother died to rescuing him from alleyways, Bucky was there by his side.

He looked over at the water again, taking in what Shinju said. He was his friend, one of the few he had that still remained here. Shinju was always kind to him when he was still tiny, so when did he become more distant to the younger man? He changed, he know he had, but Steve didn't want to push away others. Being friends with others was still important to him.

"Just trying to find my place here." Steve admitted after a few moments of silence. He didn't want Shinju to worry about him too much, but it seemed too late for that now.

"I hope you know you at least have friends here," he replied. "I wish I could suggest something, but I don't know what you're looking for. So that's all I can really say."

He sincerely wanted Steve to be happy, or at least not miserable, but he couldn't deny that there was an ulterior motive to having this conversation, as opposed to another one. He was hoping to distract Steve from the memory he'd gotten from Shinju, whatever it was, and the young man didn't want to find out if his fears were justified.

Maybe if he was lucky, Steve would focus on his own issues and forget that he'd seen anything at all. It was selfish and maybe a little callous of him, but he couldn't bring himself to care about that.

"I know." Steve seemed to relax a little at Shinju's words, even though he couldn't offer a suggestion. He didn't need one, it was enough just to know that someone supported him here. He would eventually find his place and purpose, but that was something he had to do by himself. "And don't worry about it. I appreciate you trying to help."

Steve remained quiet for a moment, silently mulling over their conversation when he realized that they only talked about his problems so far. That wasn't supposed to happen. He needed to show his support to Shinju just as he tried to do for him. Steve wasn't going to hide what memory he saw from his friend. Besides, he wanted the attention to be diverted elsewhere now.

"Enough about me." He looked serious again as he looked down at Shinju. "Know this won't be easy, but I saw something personal. You shooting a young girl."

No such luck. Of course not. When in the past year and a half had his luck stretched that far?

And of all things, what Steve had seen was his roundabout suicide attempt--his escape from that terrible curse and the man who'd put it on him. What a terrible thing to be shared. He could only imagine what the man thought about him after seeing it.

But if he had to have this conversation, he wasn't going to be terribly cooperative about it. He was going to dance around the main point until he absolutely had to confront it. That had been a very dark point in his life.

"If you saw that, you know I didn't actually shoot her."

"I know, you were carrying blanks." He remembered that and it was a small relief to know that his friend wasn't willing to kill a girl. However, that didn't make any of this right. Steve saw what happened, what he intended to do. And that... it was terrible in its own way.

"You made her attack you." Steve tried to keep his tone level, even if a part of him judged Shinju for doing something like that. If he didn't know him at all before this, his opinion of Shinju would be extremely low right now. Yes, he had been through a lot, but to go through so lengths... and to make someone else kill him. To put that kind of burden on another...

"That was selfish, Shinju." Even if it was in the past, Steve just wanted to say that much.

A bitter look came to his face. Considering what Steve saw, he fully expected to be judged, and he deserved it. It didn't mean he was happy about it, though.

"You think I don't know that?" he snapped, getting to his feet. "You think I didn't argue with myself for days about it? But my life was hell then, Steve, and I couldn't get out. All I could think about was dying to get away."

He wasn't surprised by Shinju's anger, it wasn't his proudest moment by any means and Steve really had no right to witness it. But he still saw it and he couldn't just ignore everything. His friend seemed to regret all of that though, so Steve wasn't going to be as hard on him as he would to someone in a similar situation.

"I may not know all the details of your life, of how difficult it was under that man." Because he really didn't. All he knew was that man was horrible enough for Shinju to want to kill himself. "I just know that it wasn't right to force someone else to almost murder you." Even if that girl was a dragon person, she still looked young and kind.

But Steve let out a small sigh. "You know now at least to not do that again though, right?"

The young man stared at Steve with a hard expression for several moments before ducking to retrieve his forgotten sandwich. He had no intention of sticking around for much longer.

"Granted I don't get cursed by any more damn fire demons, I won't have any reason to," he spat.

He knew he would do whatever it took to escape from something like that, and it felt like Steve was trying to lecture him, which pissed him off even more than having to talk about this terrible experience did.

Cursed by a fire demon. Well, guess that explained some stuff. It was all new to Steve, but he still had an opinion about what was right and wrong in this situation. He figured that Shinju had learned his lesson from this though, so there probably wasn't much point lecturing him further about this. Of course he looked angry too, but that wouldn't stop Steve if he thought that something still needed to be said.

"He still has control over your life, doesn't he?"

Shinju blinked in a way that was almost a wince before looking at the ground, letting his hair fall in his face and his shoulders slump.

"Even though I died and got away he's still got a hold on me," he said, his hardly audible voice shaky. "Just because I'm so damn afraid. Because I can't think about the future without taking him into account."

His voice nearly cracked. "I never should have survived."

Edited (bluhhh) 2014-06-25 06:16 (UTC)

He died? But he was alive right now. What did he mean by that? And how did Shinju survive that attack? There were several questions that he wanted to ask, but Steve decided to hold off on that. He could find out at another time.

"Don't say that, Shinju." Steve looked a little upset by his words. It was true that they weren't as close as they used to be, but he still remembered how friendly and nice Shinju was towards him when he was small. One of the first people that ever shown him kindness in this place. And Steve couldn't just forget something like that.

"There's people here that are glad they met you."

He looked miserable when he glanced back up to Steve, and it was only a split second before he looked away. His feelings of hopelessness became feelings of worthlessness, and it was hard to push those away.

"They wouldn't have known the difference."

"But they do."

Maybe they wouldn't have known if Shinju died back there, but Steve felt like that didn't matter too much in the end. That wasn't what happened and he was here among people that know him.

Steve's words didn't appear to have much of an effect on Shinju. He didn't even sigh, just continued to stare into nothing for a moment.

"You're right," he said. "No point wondering."

He moved to step past Steve, not even looking at the man.

It was obvious that none of the things he was saying were really helping out. Shinju still looked upset and Steve really didn't know what else to say to comfort him. He was never pushed that far to the point where he wanted to die and he never really knew someone either.

His mind drew a blank. This was different from giving out speeches to troops on a battlefield. This was just Shinju.

The young man started to leave Steve behind, and though he hoped the man wouldn't try to stop him, he knew he wasn't going to feel satisfied when he was finally out of the man's sight.

Things were just getting worse. Shinju just wished he could disappear.

Edited 2014-06-27 06:00 (UTC)

Steve still didn't know what to say to him, but he felt that he couldn't leave him alone either. After all, he did reveal that he was suicidal and it didn't seem right to just leave him be after learning all that. Maybe he didn't know how to make Shinju feel better, but Steve should at least show some form of support.

It didn't take him long to start following Shinju. "Just know that I still consider you a friend."

"Don't waste your time," he mumbled, feeling defeated. He rarely got to be alone when he wanted it most, he knew, but it didn't stop him from feeling slighted every time it happened.

But he had no energy to try to push Steve away with anything other than a few sullen words at a time.

"Not wasting it."

If Steve felt that he was wasting his time, then he wouldn't be here. But trying to help someone was never a waste, especially since he felt that Shinju was a good person overall. Even if he now knew about what he tried to do, Steve didn't think he was a person that shouldn't be helped.

There was probably little point in arguing with Steve. Just knowing that the man went into the army as sickly as he was spoke to the fact that he was determined whenever he put his mind to something, and Shinju couldn't get up the drive to do something drastic enough to get him to go away.

"Fine, do what you want," he replied quietly after a long sigh.